I'd like to start this one out with just a little venting.
Hi. Good night? It's like, eleven o' clock and I'm blogging. What does that say about me? Well, it shows that I was just looking at one of my old friend's blog, seeing how he keeps up with his, and how I should probably should too. :)
Anyway.
Spring break has been excruciatingly tough on me. For those who follow me, the very few, if I haven't told you yet, you're finding out now. Usually I try to keep personal feelings out of public reach, because I hate it when people feel bad for me, or take pity on me. I know it's out of care and kindness, but I don't know how to react. Especially when people say "I'm sorry." I don't get it. What are you sorry for? It doesn't make sense to me. Anyway. On the Friday of the last day before break, my mom told me some very disheartening news. She was divorcing my father. I could tell what she was going to say even before she said it. She had that bad news look on her face. She asked me if I had any questions, and I said no. Truth is, I had too many to sort through because I was busy in a sort of catatonic state. Ellen, the therapist my mom took me to because she didn't have the heart to tell me by herself , didn't even say much. I felt like she didn't really do her job, she just said things I already knew.
We got home.
I packed.
And I went to my friends house.
I ended up staying there for a good portion of my break.
I had no idea. None. I did not see it coming.
I hate to think of my mom this way, I know it's for the best, but. I know this will pass, but. I feel like she's being so selfish. She's breaking up with my dad, and not caring what happens to me, she can't stand to be with him at all that she would rather make me suffer and live in two places just so she doesn't have to be around him. I don't know where these feelings came from. Suddenly, they are here. I feel guilty, but that's what I'm feeling at the moment. Don't ask me why. If you do read this, please, don't make a case to me that "She's doing it for you," because she's not. She's getting rid of our family, for herself. UGH. Is this like the third stage of grief? Anger? I seem to be going through the steps all goofed up like.
So. Now I'm home. But it doesn't feel like home. Actually, it does feels like home. My dad and my mom are home. We've been living together for weeks. She told me that things would happen. That things would change. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I can't take it anymore. It's the anticipation. It's too much. All the uncertainty is eating me alive. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I've planned my whole life out. It hurts me so much that I can't plan this, not knowing whats next or when it's going to happen. I'm not recognizing this as something that's going to change anything because nothing has changed, but it's going to change everything. I hate it. Hate. It. I hate all the pretending like it's okay, everything's okay, that nothing has happened. I think I'd rather have them fighting. I don't show it, that it's affecting me, but it is. Everything is going to change. Sometimes, I just have to ask, why me? To those who haven't been affected by divorce, it may be a hard concept to understand, how it can affect a child so much, but to those who have, I really would like some advice. I feel like I won't be able to stand it, being around my mom so much. She can be overbearing. I love her dearly, but sometimes I need my space. I'm afraid that I won't have opportunities like I used to. I don't know when things are going to change. I don't know if I want them to sooner, or later. I don't know anything. I
I've been so stressed that I've buried myself into extra curricular activities and neglected my school work.
It's times like this when people usually look to god for guidance, but for some reason, I've turned away. I don't know why. I feel like I don't have time, which is just plain stupid. I've stopped going to Slam meetings, because then I'd have to face the fact, and feel stupid because most of the time I have no idea what they're saying. I never had any schooling, I've never read the bible. I feel so out of place. I don't know why I even go. I love god, but my parents don't see it at all. They never did.
WOW. That was emotional. I'm done with that for a LONG LONG TIME.
In other news! My phone has grillz! I still have paint on my legs! I like eggs! (anybody remember debbie?)
And as always comment, share the love, protest the war, whatever.
I love feedback!
Hi. Good night? It's like, eleven o' clock and I'm blogging. What does that say about me? Well, it shows that I was just looking at one of my old friend's blog, seeing how he keeps up with his, and how I should probably should too. :)
Anyway.
Spring break has been excruciatingly tough on me. For those who follow me, the very few, if I haven't told you yet, you're finding out now. Usually I try to keep personal feelings out of public reach, because I hate it when people feel bad for me, or take pity on me. I know it's out of care and kindness, but I don't know how to react. Especially when people say "I'm sorry." I don't get it. What are you sorry for? It doesn't make sense to me. Anyway. On the Friday of the last day before break, my mom told me some very disheartening news. She was divorcing my father. I could tell what she was going to say even before she said it. She had that bad news look on her face. She asked me if I had any questions, and I said no. Truth is, I had too many to sort through because I was busy in a sort of catatonic state. Ellen, the therapist my mom took me to because she didn't have the heart to tell me by herself , didn't even say much. I felt like she didn't really do her job, she just said things I already knew.
We got home.
I packed.
And I went to my friends house.
I ended up staying there for a good portion of my break.
I had no idea. None. I did not see it coming.
I hate to think of my mom this way, I know it's for the best, but. I know this will pass, but. I feel like she's being so selfish. She's breaking up with my dad, and not caring what happens to me, she can't stand to be with him at all that she would rather make me suffer and live in two places just so she doesn't have to be around him. I don't know where these feelings came from. Suddenly, they are here. I feel guilty, but that's what I'm feeling at the moment. Don't ask me why. If you do read this, please, don't make a case to me that "She's doing it for you," because she's not. She's getting rid of our family, for herself. UGH. Is this like the third stage of grief? Anger? I seem to be going through the steps all goofed up like.
So. Now I'm home. But it doesn't feel like home. Actually, it does feels like home. My dad and my mom are home. We've been living together for weeks. She told me that things would happen. That things would change. NOTHING HAS CHANGED. I can't take it anymore. It's the anticipation. It's too much. All the uncertainty is eating me alive. I hate not knowing what is going to happen. I've planned my whole life out. It hurts me so much that I can't plan this, not knowing whats next or when it's going to happen. I'm not recognizing this as something that's going to change anything because nothing has changed, but it's going to change everything. I hate it. Hate. It. I hate all the pretending like it's okay, everything's okay, that nothing has happened. I think I'd rather have them fighting. I don't show it, that it's affecting me, but it is. Everything is going to change. Sometimes, I just have to ask, why me? To those who haven't been affected by divorce, it may be a hard concept to understand, how it can affect a child so much, but to those who have, I really would like some advice. I feel like I won't be able to stand it, being around my mom so much. She can be overbearing. I love her dearly, but sometimes I need my space. I'm afraid that I won't have opportunities like I used to. I don't know when things are going to change. I don't know if I want them to sooner, or later. I don't know anything. I
I've been so stressed that I've buried myself into extra curricular activities and neglected my school work.
It's times like this when people usually look to god for guidance, but for some reason, I've turned away. I don't know why. I feel like I don't have time, which is just plain stupid. I've stopped going to Slam meetings, because then I'd have to face the fact, and feel stupid because most of the time I have no idea what they're saying. I never had any schooling, I've never read the bible. I feel so out of place. I don't know why I even go. I love god, but my parents don't see it at all. They never did.
WOW. That was emotional. I'm done with that for a LONG LONG TIME.
In other news! My phone has grillz! I still have paint on my legs! I like eggs! (anybody remember debbie?)
And as always comment, share the love, protest the war, whatever.
I love feedback!
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